Triggers

One night recently, I was lying on the couch watching one of my favorite TV shows, when suddenly my heart started to race—for seemingly no specific reason.

As someone who struggles with anxiety, I know that feelings of general emotional discomfort can come on suddenly without any overt cause. Sure, there’s always a reason for it, but it’s not always obvious. I mean, I have a ton of thoughts every minute—some at the forefront of my mind and some hiding away in the back.

Hand on my pounding heart, I wondered what was causing these feelings of anxiety. So I started to question it: Why am I anxious? What was I thinking about when it came on? What am I thinking about now? Is it lingering thoughts of that awful story I heard on the news? Am I feeling anxious about the health and wellbeing of my kids? Am I overtired? 

After running through all the possible conscious and subconscious thoughts that may have triggered my panic, I couldn’t quite put my finger on its source. So I decided, instead, to focus on riding the wave until it was over.

As I slowly climbed the stairs to bed, I began breathing deeply while attempting to reverse my negative thought patterns and slow the pounding of my heart. I looked in on my boys who were soundly sleeping in the comfort of their own beds, gave them each a kiss on their foreheads and thanked God for their safety in that moment. Then, still breathing, I brushed my teeth, washed my face and crawled into bed.

When I was still and all was quiet, I heard a sound that instantly enveloped me with a feeling of relaxation: the gentle pattering of rain on the roof. Just as quickly as my anxiety had come on by a trigger of unknown origins, it retreated with the soothing tapping of the rain above me. Within minutes, I was asleep.

That’s the thing about emotions—they can be triggered by pretty much anything: a song, a word, a thought, a sight or even something hiding beneath the surface of the conscious mind. For me, it’s easy to focus on the negative triggers in my life and overlook the positive ones. But the positive triggers—those things that make me feel really good: the smell of a crackling fire, climbing into a freshly made bed, a sweet kiss from my boys, listening to the rain from the comfort of my own bed—also hold tremendous power. And that is where I’d like to start directing my thoughts.