Healthy Divorce – Life in motion

March 4, 2018March 6, 2018

How to Tell Your Kids You’re Dating Someone New

heart-love-romance-valentine

It was supposed to be their dad. You were supposed to stay with him forever – but that went south. That was bad enough, now they have to deal with the fact that there’s another man in your life? How’s this gonna go down?Telling your kids you’ve begun a romantic relationship with someone new is tricky. It’s an uncomfortable conversation to have – particularly if it’s the first time you’re having it since separating from your family partner. There are ways, however, to soften the blow — to make them feel more at ease with a situation that they didn’t want or ask for.

Don’t do it right away. Wait until the relationship is well established and on solid ground before introducing this big change into your children’s lives.

If appropriate, tell their father (or mother) first — and tell them you did so. When the children first learn you are in a new relationship, their first thought will likely be of their other parent; they’ll worry s/he is in some way being betrayed. If you can assure them that their other parent is already aware of this news, the guilt and burden they may feel will be lifted.

Tell them one-on-one. When you do decide the time is right, pull each child aside individually to deliver this news. A close, intimate conversation between just the two of you will afford him or her a greater sense of safety and more freedom to react in a genuine, uninhibited way.

Assure them they’re still #1, no matter what. Their first reaction will be, “What about me?” Even if they don’t express that concern out loud, tell them that this in no way affects the relationship you have with them. Just because another person is in the picture doesn’t mean there’s less room in your life for your children.

Encourage them to ask questions. Any and all questions are fair game. They’ve just been dealt some heavy news – allow them to ask whatever question(s) will help them to better process the information they’ve received. You can use digression in how you answer the questions — but allow them to ask, nonetheless.

Ask them questions. They may clam up; they may say nothing at all. That’s when you step in and ask them probing questions (gently) in attempt to identify how they’re feeling about it. If they don’t answer, don’t push. Revisit it at a later date.

Give them space to process the news. When you’re done with the initial conversation, encourage them to take some time to themselves to sit with their emotions, but also assure them you’re available when and if they want to talk about it further.

Ask your partner to give you space. Just as your kids need space to deal with their feelings on the matter, so might you. Delivering news such as this to your children can take a significant emotional toll on you as well.

Give your children a say in when and how they meet your new partner. Maybe your new partner is someone they already know or maybe it’s someone new. In either case, giving your children some control over when they begin spending time with this person will make them feel more like stakeholders.

Hug them. Kiss them. Tell them you love them — often. Though they may not show it, their insecurities may be skyrocketing during this time. Nurture their fragile egos with loving words of affirmation.

There is nothing easy when it comes to navigating divorce — particularly when children are involved. It’s a slippery slope — a series of decision that can have a ripple effect in the lives of those around you. Whether children like it or not, dating after divorce is a fact of life for many. We can’t expect to stay single forever in order to protect their feelings. What we can do, however, is help to ease the transition for them.

March 4, 2018April 16, 2018

How My Ex and I Show Our Kids What Healthy Co-Parenting Looks Like

When my children were 9 and 11, they received the news that no child wants to hear: Mom and dad were getting divorced.

I won’t sugar coat it. The conversation was brutal. They cried, asked why, and begged for us to reconsider. They were devastated. I was devastated. We were all devastated.

Three years later, my children are thriving — due in large part to the solid relationship their father and I have been able to establish and maintain.

Could My Kids Actually Be Benefitting From My Divorce?

It’s a painful memory that still sends a chill down my spine every time it crosses my mind: the night my husband and I told our boys, ages nine and 11 at the time, that we’d be divorcing. It was horrible – the sheer devastation on their innocent little faces, the tears they cried as they begged us to reconsider, the continuous questions of “why?” as they tried to process the news; every last second of it was torture.

Divorce is not something anyone plans for. No one walks down the aisle thinking, This will probably end. No, you confidently say your I-dos, settle down in suburbia, and fill your home with little people as you work your way towards happily ever after. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the marriage ends. The vision you had for your life – for your kids – has been incinerated.

At least, that’s how it happened for me.

In the early days of my divorce, I was hyper-focused on my kids: Were they okay? Were they acting out? Were they repressing anger, depression or anxiety? Were they scarred for life? Would this divorce damage them, irreparably?

I did not come from a divorced home. All I knew was that picture of a complete, intact family – not one with shared parenting time, alimony payments, or step-anything. My parents got married and stayed married. Divorce was simply a foreign concept to me.

Yet here I was, divorced.

As I near the three-year anniversary of that horrible, rotten conversation that changed the course of my children’s lives, I find myself pleasantly surprised at just how well they’ve adjusted. In fact, as I look for the sliver lining of the whole situation, I feel compelled to focus not on the disastrous, negative effects my divorce may be having on my children, but rather on how the divorce might actually be serving them well.

They’re no longer witness to an unhealthy marriage. Full disclosure: on the surface, my marriage looked fine. We didn’t fight all that much – no yelling, no disparaging remarks, and we still slept in the same bed – but it was flawed, nonetheless. We didn’t communicate effectively, we pretty much went our separate ways when we were home together and we didn’t exactly consider each other’s feelings or needs on any kind of consistent basis. There were many more problems than those that existed behind the scenes, but looking at the relationship through the eyes of my children, I now realize this was not one I was proud to be role-modeling for my kids.

Though I never supplied them with the specific details that led to the final plug-pull on the marriage, they are aware that it ended because it was not a healthy situation. I never wanted this for them, or for me – but at the end of the day, at least I know they’re no longer growing up in a household thinking the relationship they were witnessing was in any way something they should aspire to. They deserve better.

They see that it’s possible to get along with someone despite disagreements and past hurts. My ex-husband and I don’t just have an amicable relationship; we have a friendly one. We sit at baseball games together, discuss and decide on important events in our children’s lives, and even swap recipes on occasion. My kids have witnessed a few divorce-gone-bad scenarios in their friends’ parents – and in the beginning, they feared their father and I would succumb to the same fate: firing spews of venomous rage at each other as we fought over money, the children, or the color of the sky.

Instead, what they’ve observed over the last three years is two no-longer-married people – with vastly different personalities who don’t agree on everything – finding a way to get along for the sake of a common interest: the children. They see that in spite of past hurts, crushed egos, and financial complexities, we’ve been able to make a co-parenting relationship work. While I was not proud of the relationship we were role modeling when we were married, I am proud of the one we’re role-modeling today.

They spend more time with each of us. Strangely, they spend more time with their dad now that he’s out of the house than when he lived at home. The fact is, prior to the divorce they spent most of their time with me. He traveled a lot, so we got used to it just being the three of us most of the time. When he was home, that didn’t really change much. Whenever they needed something, they came to me. When they wanted to play a game, watch a movie, or go to the park, I was their go-to. It was the three of us, most of the time. I’m not tooting my own horn, here; it’s just how it worked out – and we were all content with those roles.

Now when they see their dad, as per the parenting schedule, the time they spend with him is quality. They go out for dinner, hit the batting cages, and even go on weekend trips together – all things they never did before. It’s not just the fun stuff, either: when they’re with him, it is he who makes their breakfast, enforces bedtimes and removes the occasional splinter. Now they see both parents as their caretakers – not just the one they see more often.

Divorce is an incredibly painful life event – and when kids are in the picture, we need to protect not only our own hearts, but theirs as well. That’s exactly what my ex-husband and I set out to do. Despite being raised in what many would consider a “broken home,” my children have adjusted beautifully. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning or encouraging divorce in any way – but finding the positives in a less-than-ideal situation has been a saving grace to this divorced mom and her impressionable children.

February 14, 2017March 6, 2018

A Double-Date With My Ex-Husband Brought Clarity, Not Complete Awkwardness

Man and woman with diverging line of footprints

Last Saturday, I went on a double date…with my ex-husband. Okay, it wasn’t exactly a double date, it was my 14-year old son’s birthday party. But for all intents and purposes, it was a double date.

Picture this: we’re in Buffalo Wild Wings with eight teenage boys at one table (wanting nothing to do with the accompanying adults), and my ex-husband, his live-in girlfriend, my boyfriend, and me at the next table.

The four of us sat there for two hours, laughing, joking, and chatting like we were couples who’ve been friends for years. Only, two of us sitting across the table from one another, each cozied up to someone new, were once married. To each other. For 15 years.

My ex-husband lost interest in me long before our marriage officially ended. I probably should’ve seen the divorce coming but I didn’t. When he informed me of his intentions to leave, I was blindsided. Within weeks, he was gone.

I was angry, sad, and confused. My heart was shattered as was my ego, and I hit bottom. I hung out there for a while – in the fetal position rocking back and forth. But here’s the thing about the bottom, once you’re there, there’s nowhere to go but up.

Little by little, I rebuilt myself, and as I did, I had an epiphany: the marriage really hadn’t been serving me in any meaningful way either. I’d been settling for a long time and I deserved better.

From this place of healing, the anger subsided, the pain eased, and I began to feel strong, whole, and secure in my own skin. With a sense of inner peace, I was able to move forward in life and love. I was also able to forgive my ex-husband for nearly breaking me. This was a critical building block to the friendly and productive co-parenting relationship we share today.

As we sat around the table noshing on wings and making friendly small talk, I unemotionally watched the man I once vowed “till death do us part” show loving affection to his new partner. That’s when it hit it me: maybe it wasn’t just me who was settling in the marriage, maybe he’d been, too. Maybe he, like me, deserved better. He was the one who chose to leave the marriage, so naturally, I made myself the victim. He was the bad guy, I was the good guy, and that was that. But possibly, I wondered, could he have been a victim, too?

He was animated and almost youthful in his interactions with her – playful, light, and doting. I hadn’t seen that side of him in years. He looked happy. He is happy! He wasn’t happy with me, but he clearly is with her. Let’s face it, had I been meeting his needs in a meaningful way, he would’ve paid more attention to me and showed me the loving affection I was watching him show to her.

I turned to the man sitting to my right, the true love of my life, and locked eyes with him. In that moment, I felt so completely content. It was abundantly clear to me that the four of us, all ex-spouses to someone, were exactly where we were meant to be.

Marriages go south, blame is placed, and hearts are broken. But at the end of the day, we’re all human. We all want to be loved, and feel needed, and have certain needs of our own met. Sometimes you just can’t find that in the person you married. Sometimes it takes a failed marriage, some crippling soul searching, and a new start to see that.

Three years after my divorce, I’m proud of the relationship I have with my ex-husband, and I’m thrilled that our extended circle can peacefully co-exist on a friendly level. Is it a little weird for ex-spouses and their dates to enjoy lighthearted conversation on a pseudo double date? Sure. But how great is it that we’re all weird enough to do so?